How to Transform a Relationship

Conflict and disagreements are normal–and healthy!-- parts of community life. This service and sermon reflect on one skill that can support us in having generative disagreements and conflicts: noticing behavior and being curious about impact. Noticing behavior is the heart of giving feedback that builds our relationships. Many of us have learned that “feedback” is about having an evaluation, critique, or “right way” for the other person to behave. When someone tells us “they have feedback” for us, we assume we will be told how we were “supposed” to do something. Wrong! Feedback is not about evaluating or judging anyone at all – feedback is about paying attention and being curious together. 

When you have feedback for me, you come to me curious about my behavior and willing to share how it impacts you. You want to know, genuinely, what is leading me to do what I am doing. You want to understand because you and I care about something together – whether that is our own relationship or a work project we do together. You come to me because you believe I also care about you and our work together. We come to each other to transform our relationship.

This whole service features fabulous contributions from the Baja 4: a collaboration of four congregations in Southern Arizona. The sermon itself begins at 23:22.